Worn-in happiness.

Writing Young Adult Old Soul Magic Realism
Gif from : The Garden of Words movie (Makoto Shinkai)

Yesterday and today it rained and rained and rained. For hours, ever since morning the sky poured and thunder crackled. Lightning flashed in cool, dark rooms. And I thought to write about it all, except I’d already done it before. Once and twice and then some more.

As I journey further in life, the less new things I encounter. I’ve seen and lived more than 20 years already; the number of firsts is slowly decreasing day-by-day. And yet there are these obvious things I have yet to do, like smoking a cigarette.

But now, the things I love most are no longer new : rain, golden hours, warmth. For someone who is constantly trying to explore new concepts and ideas, that realisation unsettled me more than a little .

Is that why people have children: so they can experience something entirely new that keeps them on their toes, taking up so much of their time they do not have to face these uncomfortable questions? Or do they do it so they can live by proxy, so they can experience firsts again, through their children?

I don’t know and maybe that’s a question for another day. But I do realise, as I roll myself into my warm covers, that instead of having the charm of novelty, my rainy days are now softly worn in, like a pair of well-loved slippers or a large t-shirt softened through repetitive washing. Even though they are no longer new (and perhaps because they are no longer new), I sink into them with a deep sigh of relief, with utter contentment.

I was always scared that the quest would be more interesting than the treasure you would find. That things would lose their value once I had them, loved them. Maybe the journey matters so much more than the destination, I thought. But I set out on a journey because I was looking for something.

I was looking for home in a world of constant change. And some days…Days like these, I feel I have found it.

4 thoughts on “Worn-in happiness.”

  1. Being closer to “middle age” now (😳) I can assure you there are still many more “firsts” to come! And while I can’t answer every person’s reasoning behind having children, I know for me it really had nothing to do with needing another “first” or to live vicariously through them. It was just always something I knew I wanted. From the time I was small, I knew I wanted to be a mom and a writer. It was just part of who I was meant to be.

    It’s good you are questioning so many things on a deeper level. Keep that open mindedness as you grow. It won’t disappoint you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be perfectly honest, it does register with me that some people want children, just like that. That it’s an intrinsic part of themselves, a dream they have and must accomplish. I have friends who have known they wanted children as young as 10 years old. I am not one of these people, I do not really understand. So I am always trying to find some other reason that might explain it, this sort of unwavering want to have children of your own. One of these days I will probably come around to the idea that there’s no concrete reason, really. It’s just something that’s there, I guess. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comment, I’m always talking to other people who want to have (or already have) children to know about their perspectives. I really appreciate the time you took to share your experience. Thank you for such a lovely comment Heather ❤ Hope you have an amazing weekend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem! I hope your weekend is wonderful!
        Just a last thought on what you said here… Each and every one of us are created/wired differently. I believe I was wired just knowing I wanted children of my own in the same way I was wired to know I wanted to be a writer. But I don’t think it’s true for every person. I think it’s very possible that people do have children for the reasons you originally suggested: to experience a new set of firsts or to live vicariously through their children. I also believe there are people who aren’t wired to have children. It’s just not for them. Unfortunately the other people around them sometimes make them feel like they are “supposed” to have kids. And that’s not fair. Every person needs to follow the path they feel drawn to, even if it’s not what other people want. I know as a mom, I’ve had to accept that my children might be very different from me. Where I knew from a young age I wanted to be a mom, my teenagers are extremely different. The oldest is High Functioning Autistic and may never even want to be in a relationship with anyone. My twins both have said they’re pretty sure they only want furry children when they grow up, lol. And as much as I’d love to have grandchildren one day, I never want to pressure my girls to do anything that doesn’t feel right to them. My point in this very long message is to simply say: it’s okay if you don’t feel like you want children of your own. It might not be your path. It’s okay. You do what’s right for you. Maybe it will change down the road, but either way, your path is yours, and no one should try to convince you otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I totally understand what you’re saying, and I couldn’t agree more. Ultimately, I think that having children is something you have to really, truly want because it is a lifetime change, maybe even an identity change. You are very right in saying that everyone has their own paths, and I think in that way too, everyone has their own reasons to become parents. I try to understand these reasons, because it means understanding people a little more in some pretty fundamental ways. I think your children are lucky to have a mother who is understanding and does not pressure them into living their lives a certain way. It’s taken my own mother some time to truly understand that she may not be getting grandchildren anytime soon, but even though she’s more accepting now, she still hopes lol. And thank you for taking the time to tell me about your own experience ! I truly appreciate it ❤

          Liked by 1 person

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