A kinder sentiment.

Art by: Kyutae Lee

Trigger warning: death ideation.

Odd and contradictory as it may be — in moments of joy and beauty, I have often found myself thinking I could die then and there. There are other times when I have wished against all reason that the moment would never end, that I be allowed to spend the rest of my mortal years in it. But inexplicably, there has also been this.

It usually happens when I am at the right distance from everything: the people in my life, my daily routine, the names I respond to and all my attachments to this world. No longer am I the name on my identity card, the colour of my eyes or even the madness of my hair. No longer am I a girl in the bus, a vision or a tangible thing. My soul instead flies like a kite into the boundless skies, and the string keeps tugging, pulling, unraveling from the spool, like a scarf endlessly lost to the wind, dancing an infinite dance.

In these moments when I am so far away that all I know are the brushstrokes of clouds, I become the feeling I am experiencing: the blueness of the sky, the golden quality of sunlight, the faint rustling of leaves… I melt and become a mere mirror of experience and sensation, an echo-room for the beauty of the world.

I’ve often mistaken this feeling as a desire for death — a longing to stop existing beyond this point, having achieved the purest form of existence.

But it is not that, the Truth in me supplies. It is a kinder, softer sentiment, a freer one.

Yes, I echo, gentle and honest like a tired child.

I do not want to die. I want, instead, to dissolve into the sky and become the material of clouds. I want to be taken apart, memory by memory, and come undone like a tangle of threads until my soul is free to join the ether.

Like foam to the sea. Dust to Dust. A breeze in the infinite sky. That is my soul, a grand mystery solved, a stuffy room now breathing with light.

It was never about dying, it was always an unbecoming, a journey back home. But there are no words for that in the common language. The closest approximation has always been ‘death‘, but it is not that.

My soul is this feeling of light. Light in both ways: weightless and honeyed, like that one spot of light that falls on your desk one afternoon and in which particles of dust or matter rise, rise, rise as if called to some greater purpose.

I do not want to die. I want to be this, I’ve caught myself thinking.

Quote of the day:

“You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!”

— Pablo Neruda, A Song of Despair

6 thoughts on “A kinder sentiment.”

  1. Hello Ilah! 🙂 Wow. This entry struck me with such power, I am quite dazed.
    I have been feeling this exact state of mind/feeling/moment of being/epiphany (my vocabulary falls short in naming this incredible “phenomenon”) for most of my life. That reaching out towards something that is life mingled with death, or viceversa… something ethereal, that likens your very human substance to it, to the point you feel you are a stretch of sky that embraces everything — yet that is, itself, corralled within the tender darkness of space and worlds unknown to the human mind.
    I have often pondered whether this mysterious feeling I was experiencing could be likened to that of walking on the brim of a void, or rather to that of transcending my present self to attain a higher sensitivity, a greater love of life and the little miracles that make it such.
    I’ve tried to write down my thoughts because your words have so strongly resonated with something that is within me. Thank you so much for sharing your incredible poetically embroidered tapestries, which you always so knowledgeably weave!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Ludovica! So happy to hear from you again 💕 You know, I read this comment and came back to it several times, not knowing at all how to reply. Just, wow ❤️

      I understand you when you say the vocabulary falls short, it truly does. It’s such an intense feeling/state of being and it’s enmeshed in you, part of the very matter you are made of — it’s so hard to isolate a single cause or effect for something that just…is. I’m so very glad to hear someone else feels the same way. “Walking on the brim of a void or transcending your present self”… it reminds me a bit of the Bukowski quote: “You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.”

      You’ve put it all so beautifully and so accurately I would love, love, love to read something by you (aside from this spectacular comment) about it. YOUR words resonated with me and have made me so happy about posting this little piece of writing. Thank you ever so much for sharing this with me, wishing you lots of love and light ✨

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much Ilah ♥️ I’m so grateful for your kind words and your beautiful pieces of writing, which are always food for thought. I’m so so happy that my words too have resonated with you! I too would love to write and share some writing inherent to this topic, which I have found myself so often reflecting upon. Moreover, I’d love to jot something down on paper, given that university has so completely absorbed me, that I haven’t had the chance to write any reflection or diary entry… and it’s been months! 🙁
        I’d love to go back to writing something, as I really do feel the need to do so: thank you so much for encouraging me!
        I too wish you lots of love, light and happiness ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ahh, I feel you Ludovica! Life just sucks you in like that sometimes. But I’m sure you will be able to return to writing and that you will do so beautifully (no pressure lool). I hope you’ve been well, sending you lots of good vibes ❤️

          Liked by 1 person

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